Hapsarie’s Weblog

i dont mean to being such as ungrateful person. i am thanking God for everything, my family, my job, my friends…

something change, i have no more appetite on the things i use to enjoyed. like movies or books.  I watch movies because my friends want to go there, i read books because i have nothing else to do.

i am no longer in love with him, feel nothing whenever he called or beg for my attention. i used to feel our forbidden love is the most challenging thing that i was about to give up. but now i see it as stupid mistake ever.

but i do envy him, who could runaway from the mess of his life. who think nothing but chasing his own liberty and freedom.

the worst, small house by the beach, our cute dogs, me waiting him in the porch, having cold beer in the evening and smoke my menthol cigarette are no longer my dream … dream that never come true. i see it as irrational thing ever exist. who wants to live in remote area with him?? not me

last time he snapped, i never replied his email nor pick up phone calls from him. he said “who are you? i barely know you” and guess what i just dont care

dont care at all

maybe i am just tired, maybe i am just wake up. too many dreams too many and too much dramas in my life which i cannot handle it no more.

why oh why life is not so simple lately.

i do enjoy my new job, new assignment, new colleagues they are so friendly and nice.

but why ??? when my enthusiasm is back my family just tore a part. like chandelier dropped in the floor…

family gathering in Malang which use to be scandalous and juicy thats something which might never happen in next upcoming years.

my brothers they will grow up in very difficult situation, and i am really desperate with my core of life : my family

would it be better ? would it be worst or remain unchanged

this uncertainty really draw my emotion. i am mentally tired.

how come i am not enjoy welcoming weekend.

financial limitation is suck

and trouble in family goes with it.

somebody let us down for so many times, sometimes i think that somebody just pour the responsibility to my glass … indirectly.

my head is about to explode.. its overwhelmed its overrated and i hate that

i am not going to runaway not planning it too… my family is the reason for me to keep going.  I am just mentally tired till i dont know who am i

God your trial really kick my ass … just give me your hand to help me..

whoa seems like forever since i updated my last blog 🙂

i just had my birthday last october, cant believe im 28 and feel nothing special about it, just another birthday .. getting older and so on.

no special celebration, no candles, no cakes, no present …wait my bff gave me batik’ dress and i love it.

never cross in my mind that my 28 years would be soo difficult . so many things happened and leave no room for me to breathe. im trying to see it from different point of view, seeking advices from so many heads, and found nothing but nothing.

these are God’s trials … trials that i have to pass. the tickets to a new level …

maybe i am not mature enough, maybe im self-centered …God only knows

wish me luck ..

i will try .. at least try to survive .. no pain no gain >> you will more appreciate the happiness after the misery

storm will end, rain will stop , nothing lasts forever, there will be solutions and i just have to find it soon … real soon.

all i can say “dear problems, my God is bigger than you”

SEMANGAT!!!!!!